In my childhood, I learned to be quiet and invisible. My feelings never mattered, so I pushed them down so far that I lost the ability to reach them. Then I met my now ex husband, who gave me a marriage full of more than one type of abuse. The only reason I left was because he was starting to emotionally abuse our children, and they deserved better. About 2 years before that, I met the person who is now my best friend. They showed me that it was okay to open up to people and that my feelings were valid. So I slowly began to do just that. When I separated from my ex, my best friend was there for me in a way no one ever had been. Divorce meant deportation for their dad, and the decision nearly killed me. But my best friend was there to hold my broken pieces together. They were there for the girls’ first plane ride to see their dad for 3 full months, which was almost impossible to handle.
After life calmed down, I actually found myself happy for the first time in my entire life. There wasn’t a gray cloud covering my happiness like there was with everything else. The unexpected happened, and I got pregnant. It was rocky at first, but I was still happy. About a month before I gave birth things started to fall apart. And everything shattered into a million pieces about a month after. I found myself feeling completely abandoned and alone with an infant and all of the hormones that come with birth. My whole life changed and I found myself wondering how I got there. And it seemed like there was problem after problem piling up and I was drowning. I wasn’t used to reaching out for help because my feelings never mattered so I was always able to convince myself that I was making it all up and it wasn’t that bad.
It still took me a few months to reach out, since my girls were going back to their dad soon and I was worried that it would get worse. So I finally came clean to a doctor, fully honest and vulnerable. Not making it seem like just a bad day. I am now in counseling and on new medication. I also have opened up to more people and grew my support circle slowly. Not fixed by any means, but it’s a start. Recently I’ve been smacked in the face with the ultimate truth; Everything that happened to me happened for a reason.
If i wouldn’t have married my ex, I wouldn’t have my 2 girls and I wouldn’t have learned how to stand up for myself. How to talk back and confront people when necessary. How to be okay with using some space in the world and not trying to disappear. The marriage broke me down to build me up to who I am now. If I hadn’t met my best friend, I would’ve never had the courage to leave the marriage because I wouldn’t have had someone to talk to that would actually care. Someone I could go to when I wasn’t okay. Someone who showed me what life was supposed to be like. Then I had a moment of happiness that I will be forever grateful for. And if it wasn’t for the events that followed that sunk me to my lowest, I wouldn’t have reached out to anyone and wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed to start healing, not just covering it with a bandaid and pretending it didn’t exist. The low was devastating, but God set me up so that He could help me heal. Really heal, not just ignore it. So I needed to go through everything to get to where I am.
I thank God every day for the plan He had for me, as painful as it is. I now have more people I can rely on, I ask for help if I need it, and I’m starting to work through the wounds that never healed. So if you find yourself drowning with no hope, we have a God that walks on water and there is a beautiful ending for you.